We all have relationship and leadership tools, skills and knowledge that we learned over time. It starts in the playgroup when Mom said to be nice or we are going home, or when the kindergarten teacher said don’t bite Bobby, use your words, or your boss says, this is how we work in this company. Somewhere along the way, this advice got a little muddled. For, example, don’t bite Bobby when you are being nice, but you can bite him if you want to win the game or the contract. Just apologize and say it isn’t personal or that you misspoke.

How do we use protocol and etiquette knowledge and skill in gray areas to create a more respectful and productive workplace and society?

In our fast-paced, diverse, social media-driven and confrontational society, conflict happens at an alarming rate. Most of us listen to talk shows and read newspapers so we know rudeness and misunderstanding have become epidemic. What is our individual daily call to action to change this situation?

It is powerful to resolve conflict in a way that values relationships and still resolves differences, whether the differences are everyday irritations, two people needing the same computer at the same time, or serious challenges such as a co-worker taking sole credit for a joint collaboration.

I offer the following key steps:

• Redefine conflict as a positive that brings about needed change
• Recognize that conflict begins with the small thing we prefer to ignore rather than the current thinking that when it explodes it is conflict
• Address the issue sooner rather than later. Sometimes the other person is not aware that something is troubling you.
• Develop a plan and a script when possible. Think through what you believe happened, develop questions, choose respectful language and practice your script alone and maybe with someone you trust. Respond rather than react.
• Determine a respectful and mutually beneficial location to have the conversation
• Embrace graciousness as a practical life and leadership skill that sustains relationships and results

The benefits of this approach are better problem solving which contributes to a respectful and civil work, home and social environment as well as mastering your skills.