The words and phrases we use can escalate the conversation or guide it toward understanding and hopefully resolution.

 

I recommend highly that we not speak off the cuff or in the moment, if possible when addressing sensitive issues. Train yourself to take a second to breathe, and ask what is my intention here before proceeding. This strategy works even during quick encounters with someone you may not see again, for example, someone cuts you off in a line or makes an unwelcome comment.

 

A written “script” is a helpful preparation tool in assuring you think about the issue at hand, how you see it, how the other person may see it, and what you want to say as well as what not to say. Writing the script also helps get emotions onto the page and can keep anger out of the conversation. The script is not for the other person and is not read during the conversation. The script prepares you to have a civil, results-oriented conversation. There is an art to this and we are available to coach you.

 

Some of the words to avoid when discussing a conflict:

Avoid words that sound authoritative and accusing, i.e. never, always, should, should not, don’t, better not, yeah but.

 

An example:

You are never on time. These words create defensiveness and detachment, the receiver stops listening or reacts emotionally. 

 

Use more diplomatic, inviting words and phrases such as:

I see, I understand, tell me more, what can we do to make this right, what do you see as the issue here, go a long way to resolving the issue and preserving the relationship.

 

What words or phrases have been successful for you?